The Smart Blondie

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Pinoy jokes - 2

Battle of the Brainless

Host: What "N" (narra) is the national tree of the Philippines?

Contestant: Niyog?

Host: Mas matigas pa diyan.

Contestant: (in a strong-sounding voice)

NIYOG!!!

*********

Host: Saan "B" (Bagumbayan) binaril si Jose Rizal?

Contestant: Sa back?

Host: O sige, puwede rin na ang simula ay letter "L" (Luneta).

Contestant: Likod?

Host: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P." ang initials ng modern name nito. (Rizal Park).

Contestant: Rear Part? (Susme! Likod pa rin yun!)

************

Host: Saan "B" (beach) tayo madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo?

Contestant: Banyo?

Host: Hindi, pag pumunta ka doon, maaarawan ka.

Contestant: Bubong?

Host: Hindi, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng naka-bikini.

Contestant: Beerhouse!

************

Host: Anong "L" (Lifeguard) ang tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw ay nalulunod?

Contestant: Lifebuoy?

Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan ng ito.

Contestant : Safeguard?

Host: Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.

Contestant : Safe Buoy?

Host: Hindi siya "boy" at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan.

Contestant: Ah, Mr. Clean!

************

Host: Anong "S" (Salbabida) ang ginagamit na flotation device sa dagat upang hindi ka malunod?

Contestant: Sirena?

Host: Hindi! Hindi ito babae.

Contestant: Siyokoy?

Host: Hindi ito lalake.

Contestant: Siyoke?

************

Host: What "S" (Sampaguita) is the national flower of the Philippines?

Contestant: Sunflower?

Host: Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.

Contestant: Stork?

Host: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh.

Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak?

Host: Hindi pa rin. It ends with a letter "A".

Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?

Host: Oh, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at dadagdagan ko pa! Anong

pangalan ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa "S", nagtatapos sa letrang "A",

at kapangalan ng isang sikat na singer?

Contestant: Si...Sharon Cuneta!

************

Host: Sino ang kauna-unahang Chess Grandmaster (Eugene Torre) of Asia?

Contestant: Carole KING?

Host: Hindi, mas mababa sa king.

Contestant: Al QUINN?

Host: Hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya.

Contestant: Armida Siguion-REYNA?

Host: Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna.

Contestant: BISHOP Bacani?

Host: Mas mababa sa bishop.

Contestant: Johnny MidNIGHT?

Host: Mas mababa sa Knight.

Contestant: Jerry PONS?

Host: Oh, ayan na, nabanggit mo na lahat ng piyesa sa Chess. Yung

kahuli-hulihang piyesa na lang.

Contestant: Sylvia laTORRE!

************

Host: Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500 Peso bill? Clue, may

initials na N.A.(Ninoy Aquino)

Contestant: Nora Aunor?

Host: Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end sa "Y".

Contestant: Guy Aunor?

Host: Hindi. Dati siyang Senador.

Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?

Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.

Contestant: ANO??!! PATAY NA SI NORA AUNOR???!!!

*************

Host: What "K" (kalabaw) is the national animal of the Philippines?

Contestant: Kuto?

Host: Hinde. Clue, it tills the land.

Contestant: Ahhh, Kutong Lupa!

Pinoy Jokes - 1

I get hundreds of emails on Pinoy jokes. Some are "diamonds', some are "stones". Here are some "diamonds", albeit rated X:

1) On wedding night, man asks wife: Akala ko ba first boyfriend mo ko?
Bakit hindi ka na virgin?

Wife: Ikaw talaga ang first boyfriend ko. Yung iba, customers ko lang. Peks man!

2) After sex with college coed, Mayor asked: "How much?"

Coed: P200 lang, Sir."

Mayor: "Ha? How can you survive with just P200?"

Coed: "My sideline is blackmail, Sir."

3) Mister: Kung marunong ka sanang maglaba, nakakatipid sana tayo ng
P3,000 sa maid.

Mrs: Oy, oy, oy! Kung ikaw sana magaling sa kama, sana nakakatipid
tayo ng P7,500 sa driver!

Silver Purifier

Got this article attached to an email from Susan. It is so beautiful that I feel I should share it with others. The last part is the best. Read on...

Malachi 3:3 says: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.'

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.'

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time.. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?' He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it.'

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

Morbid Thoughts

I can't help but have morbid thoughts today. The Filipino news on the SBS channel this morning carried the news of Rudy Fernandez's death (a popular actor in Philippine movies). And he was born on the same year I was! Last week, I got an email from Susan, a very good friend of mine and neighbour in Iligan City, bringing news about who among our friends died recently and who are terminally ill. This morning, on our way to the train station, I told my husband that I will be retiring in 2014 when most of our debts will be fully paid, then blurted "will I still be around by that time?"

When I was on the train, I started to think of my health problems (high blood pressure, high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, anemia, cataract, hearing impairment.."the works"), my young daughter who is still in high school, the thousand and one things that I planned to do but never got around to doing...it looks like I'm running out of time. So, I've decided to stop worrying about these things and enjoy life.

At work, an officemate forwarded to me an email regarding a Philippine Food Festival held at the Grace Hotel nearby. The attached menu included kare-kare, kinilaw, lengua estofada and other mouth-watering dishes but the cost was rather expensive. I was about to delete the email when I remembered my resolution this morning to enjoy life. So I rang my husband and told him to meet me at the entrance of Grace Hotel for lunch. He asked "what's the occasion?" and I said "let's celebrate your birthday in advance!" Oh well, it was an expensive way to drive away the morbid thoughts but the sumptuous lunch really made my day. Have you tried eating when you are worried about something?

A Tsunami Experience

It sounded like a thousand motorcycles revving up at the same time. I heard rather than saw the tsunami that caught the Pagadian residents by surprise on that fateful night of 16 August 1976. I was standing on top of an elevated part of the city, confused, alone and convinced that it was the end of the world.

Where is my family?

The night started like any other. After dinner, shared with the other lodgers in a boarding house at Sta. Lucia district in Pagadian City, I slept with the domestic help of my landlady while my husband of three months was out of town on a business trip. At about 12 midnight, I woke up to the feeling of being swayed in a hammock, only this time, I was on our bed. The swaying went on for about five minutes caused by a very strong earthquake. A few minutes later, we rushed our landlady to a nearby hospital as she was showing symptoms of a nervous breakdown. She stayed in the hospital with a relative, and the rest of us went back to the house and tried to go back to sleep.

Less than an hour later, we heard gun shots fired in the air by the citizens’ patrol to wake the people up. They shouted instructions for everyone to go up to a more elevated area because they suspected that, as an aftermath of the earthquake, a tsunami would hit Pagadian. Finding no time to change out of my nightgown, I grabbed a blanket to wrap myself with, picked up my handbag and headed towards a narrow lane adjacent to the house (I was the only one left - the other lodgers already ran out!). I cannot forget the scene that met me when I ran out of the house.

There was pandemonium everywhere…everyone was running along the narrow lane. My slippers got stuck in the mud while I was running but I could not go back for it because people were also running behind me like a stampede of elephants.

Finally, I reached the top of the hill and looked back. It was a beautiful, moonlit night and I could see the water starting to flood the houses below. Around me were parents nervously accounting for their children, children crying for their parents, animals howling.

I looked around and thought, “This must be the end of the world”.

Feeling so alone, and with nowhere to go, I decided to go to the hospital where my landlady was brought earlier that evening. It was within walking distance from where I stood.

I sat by the reception area of the hospital and witnessed more heart-wrenching scenes - crying parents checking the hospital for their missing children, small kids delivered by volunteers who found them without their parents, including two naked, wide-eyed toddlers confirmed to be not related but found hugging each other.

At about 4am, I rang my brother at San Pedro district and asked to be picked up from the hospital. His house was on an elevated area and not affected by the flood. My 71-year old dad, who was staying with my brother on a visit, almost had a heart attack when he learned that I was with the stampede of people fleeing from the tsunami. My dad insisted that I temporarily move in with them while my husband was away, so I returned to our boarding house to get some personal things.

Along the way, dead animals were still lying everywhere while volunteers were busy wrapping the dead human bodies for transport to the overcrowded Roman Catholic Church and the city gymnasium for identification. The funeral parlors were full of bodies, also waiting to be identified.

Our car was delayed by a man who ran amok, obstructing the traffic, when he learned that his wife and children all drowned in the flood.

When we reached our boarding house, a wooden bed was stranded in the front yard, with dead bodies of three children still under a mosquito net. I wonder if they ever knew what hit them, because the tsunami struck while they were sleeping.

It took weeks for the health officers and volunteers to clean up the streets. A week after the tsunami, I saw a wooden raft floating on the river at the back of my brother’s house. A blue cloth was hanging on it, gently swayed by the breeze. As it came closer, I could see that it actually carried the remains of what used to be a human being in a blue shirt. We contacted the health authorities who immediately came to the scene, wrapped the body for identification and burial, and disinfected the area.

The public market building had to be abandoned because of the deathly smell and the market vendors were relocated. A fishing village located in a small island near the city was wiped out by the tsunami and all the residents were reported missing. For months, I did not eat fish as it was rumoured that many dead bodies were washed out to sea.

Memories of what happened that night a long time ago hauntingly came back when a very destructive tsunami wreaked havoc on several Asian countries in December 2004. Although what happened in Pagadian paled in comparison to the massive destruction brought about by the 2004 tsunami, the emotional pain for the lives and properties that perished was just as intense and as hard to accept.

Pagadian is the capital city of the province of Zamboanga del Sur in the island of Mindanao, south of the Philippines. The 1976 tsunami struck all the coastal towns of the province, and Pagadian City ranked as one of those with the most number of casualties.

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